I think I could still make this piece better, more stiking. I have looked for ways to add more colorful and powerful language to it. I am very pleased with the results of taking out all the mumbo jumbo with references to time and space (all worthlkess detail.) I would love to make more improvements and submit and newer draft.
I would not like to read this aloud; I would probably studder over, even, my own words. My reading is very choppy and has no rhythm.
You diden't really give me much to respond to.
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