Assignment 3 Application Essay (revised)

Prompt: If you were to describe yourself by a quotation, what would the quote be?

Explain your answer. (Dartmouth)

A long time ago Oliver Wendell Holmes said, "A mind stretched to a new idea never returns to its original dimension." This statement remains true to this day. I feel I am living proof that the human mind will never think the same way once it is exposed to a new concept. Throughout my life, my perspectives on many things have changed dramatically. Every day my views are challenged and altered by the information I absorb.

Every time we learn something, we try to understand how hit fits into our everyday lives. We all look for practical applications of our knowledge, and to this I am no exception.

I was born into an English speaking household. Neither of my parents speak more than one language, and so naturally the language I thought in was English. In middle school I began taking French classes, which I continued to study in high school. I also took a semester of German. I spent over a year in Southern California, where the majority of the population was of Mexican heritage, and heard Spanish on a daily basis. Today when I see different objects or think of a phrase I am about to speak, I think in all the languages I know. I now know all titles for objects are synonymous and tend to look for similarities in the languages I have studied.

In my younger years I played sports with my brother, and we tried everything from football to boxing, soccer to sprinting. I believed this all to be in good fun. And then I began to learn a little about early civilizations. Sparking my interest were the barbaric activities in which they engaged. People would watch gladiators battle for their lives in enormous stadiums, sometimes against their fellow man, and others against beasts to which they stood no chance. In either case, what drew spectators in was the ability to see another human harmed. Now, the same sports I previously saw as childhood fun took on a new shape in my head. Boxing and all sports with physical contact became a way to fulfill our, still present, semi-barbaric desires.

I was a person that didn't think of the global consequences of my actions. I would applaud when I'd see an overgrown lot cleared of its trees to make way for a new shopping center. One day, I watched a video on the British industrial revolution. I saw the construction of factories and the progression of roadways. Diverse topographical features were replaced by dull man-made structures. I suddenly became more aware of the footprints we, as a whole, are leaving behind. Excitement about nature preservation replaced my desire for further city development.

Though Holmes had passed long ago, his words live on. "A mind stretched to a new idea never returns to its original dimension," is a saying that I hold true. Is there anything of existence that can be stretched and return exactly to its previous state? Every bit of information I am privileged enough to come across changes the way I think about the subject. As long as I can think, the way I feel about any subject is tangible.

***post write***
What I feel is working for me here is that I got to fit some of my educational background into a supporting detail. I also like the fact that I make myself sound like I have a desire to learn more and use what I have gathered. I think I chose a good quote that makes me appear worldly. The supporting info I chose wasn't personal, but still had to do with me.
I think it could be better with use of less elementary detail. I feel I could have written a hundred paragraphs under this intro.
Hey reader: Do you think this would be stronger with more examples?
Would telling how certain works (particularly stories like 2bro2b or A Brave New World... I can't leave out Galapagos which goes right along with my second example) have affected my views?

Talk Back Assignment 2 - This I Believe

I think I could still make this piece better, more stiking. I have looked for ways to add more colorful and powerful language to it. I am very pleased with the results of taking out all the mumbo jumbo with references to time and space (all worthlkess detail.) I would love to make more improvements and submit and newer draft.
I would not like to read this aloud; I would probably studder over, even, my own words. My reading is very choppy and has no rhythm.

You diden't really give me much to respond to.

Talk Back Assignment 1- Eating Disorders

First off, thank you for positive feedback. I have to admit that I didn't look for any cases where pop stars have influenced their fans (as far as trying to obtain a similar body.) This was mainly out of sloth, but I don't think any specific examples would have added much substance. I think it would have crowded the piece with detail rather than illustrate it and make it stronger. (okay, I might just be grasping at straws for an excuse for being lazy.)

I will go back and fix my typos.

Assignment 2 - This I Believe (revised)

A little while back I had a secret. It wasn’t one of those little white lies we all commit. I was one of the deep, dark, take to the grave secrets I thought I would never reveal.

My roommate was arrested a week before our rent was due. This left me with a terrible dilemma; make $750 in five days or become homeless.

It was about that time I received an email titled “Wanna make $100/hr????” Out of my desperation, I responded. Within hours a man picked me up and brought me to a spa. Once in a room there he said, “Take off your clothes and I will show you how to give a massage.” I listened. Minutes later, not only were his hands on my back, they were on my thighs and buttocks too. He was my first customer in a full service massage parlor. The money was so good that he was not my last. I would go back there for a week at time every couple months for about a year.

During that time, my close friend asked what I did for a living; I told him I was a stripper. I began dating that friend of mine a little later. Since he thought I was a stripper, I had to keep up the lie. There was no way I could convince my, now, boyfriend that stripping was so horrible for me that he should help me out financially while I look for a new job.

After a couple trips to work, I broke down in my boyfriend’s arms crying. It felt wrong seeking sympathy for my adulterous acts. The only words I could manage were, “Don’t make me strip.” His response was that he had a plan that would allow me to quit “stripping“ in a year. I could not live with myself doing that for another year. I could barely manage a smile knowing I have done it in the past. That is when I made up my mind to come clean.

I wailed, “I am not a stripper. I have sex with strangers for money. Please don’t hit me.” Tears were streaming down my face the whole time. I thought I had just lost my closest friend.

He grabbed me in his arms and locked me in the tightest embrace I have ever known. He told me he was sorry for what I went through. Within a few days, he moved in with me to help me with rent so I could keep my apartment.

I thought I would lose my friend by being honest. Instead, I gained the greatest love in my life and a partnership that has no secrets. Revealing my secret didn’t ruin me: it has set me free.

I believe in the relief of honesty.

***post write***
I am okay with the way this piece came out after cutting a lot of the original. I am glad that I decided not to kill any attention from a reader by cluttering the piece with references to time and place. I realize now that it is what happens that matters. The who, when, and where will not offer anything extra to this work. I had to change what happened to my character a little I made some progress on this. The minuteness of the changes make the story appear to have stayed the same.
when we started this assignment I thought it would be hard to write about something important to me. In reality, it was very easy. All I had to do was create a character with an absurd life story and extract a bit of moral from the story. Then I replaced all the shes with Is and all the hers with mys.

So, reader, do you think this piece is better shorter? To be more specific, is it more tolerable to read now?

Does it need more colorful language? I feel that there isn't my emotion in this even though it is still of graphic nature. Help!!

Post Write Assignment 1

The strongest part of my essay is that all my details a directly related to my intro. I didn't use specific examples, but I did include connections to many forms of media to the topic.

The weakest part would probably be my intro and conclusion. They could both use a little more meat.

Assignment 1 Eating Disorders

Jean E. Kilbourne suggested in an essay entitled “Beauty… And the Beast of Advertising” that the images of females in media encourage girls and women alike to be preoccupied with their weight. She hit the nail on the head with that one! Every facet of the media portrays an unrealistic image of what a woman's body looks like.

Firstly, there has never been an average-looking role model for young girls. As impressionable children, pre-adolescent girls try to resemble their heroes. This generation’s sensation is Miley Cyrus. Though she is not a bag of bones, Miley is definitely slimmer than most. With her doing a sexy photo shoot with bare back to the camera, it is easy to see that this teen star is very thin. Less than a decade ago, girls were looking up to Britney Spears. When Brit was at the top of her stardom, she had a completely flat stomach. This is nearly impossible for most to achieve. Prior to her, the Olsen twins served as role models to many of America’s youth. These two ladies grew to be so thin both had ribs visible to all. One of the pair was hospitalized for an eating disorder.

In addition, there are an abundant amount of diet commercials on television. Not being able to watch an hour-long program without seeing an advertisement for weight-loss products would suggest that these are necessary and important items. One commercial clearly states ‘body fat is unattractive.” After suggestions like that, photographs of thin, beautiful women are plastered all over the screen. There are also home gym commercials that spark an unrealistic goal for anybody beginning an exercise regimen. The use of adjectives such as hot, smoking, and sexy lead viewers to believe anything else than a toned and muscular body to be something less than desirable.

Lastly, any person to pick up an issue of a fashion magazine would immediately notice a very attractive and slender model on the cover. Once opening this publication, a glance at photos of upcoming trends would fill their eyes with nothing but women resembling twigs. This year’s fashion must-haves are intended for the thinnest of consumers. “Super skinny” jeans, a garment skin-tight from hip to ankle, and leggings were certainly not marketed with the heavier, average, woman in mind. These thicker women might take drastic measures to get into trendy outfits. It is only human to emulate and strive to be the best. This case being the skinniest and most fashion savvy.

As these points have illustrated, images of women in the media do encourage females, young and old, to keep an eye on their weight. Sometimes they are seeking practical results or, more often than not, desiring unobtainable goals.